Learning to walk again --

I believe the last five months have been a slow progress in learning to walk again. Learning to believe in oneself without feeling like your in quick sand. My mom's passing rocked my world. I feel 32 was way to young to be without her. She was my best friend and my mentor. It is hard to walk this world without her. I think time does lesson the pain a little bit but that hole is there. We would talk about everything. Now, I can't talk to her. I have my days and the last three have been rough. I miss her more when I want her advice. In a fleeting moment, I forget she's gone only to call home to a disconected number she can not answer. I have been sick the last three days and I think it is when I want her more around. It is hard to believe it has been almost five months without her.

I'm learning to make decsions and believe in myself. I stress I want to finish my promise to her and become a teacher. I know my sign is a cancer and I can be motherly, emotionally and very stubborn.

The hardest thing I am finding is learning to stand in front of a class again. This has never really been a problem until now. Maybe feeling better will help. I know I have to serenity prayer and realize that I can change some things and I can change others. I figured out. I'm angry she's gone. It is not fair. I want her here and she is not. I wanted the doctors to save her and they could not. I want her advice and I want her hugs and I want her wild italian irish spirit. I want it now. I do not think I have experienced anger I felt the denial but the anger is new. I guess it is a valley I have to walk through.

Stephanie

Got an IEP date! Finally!

After a month of back and forth, we finally have agreed on an IEP date of November 13, 2007. It only took ten phone calls and five letters back and forth. If setting the date was this hard, I'm a little hesitant to see what the IEP will bring. I know the school and I are headed in the same direction but will Andy really get the intensity he needs. We will wait and see.

Student teaching

I'm a natural observer. I like to watch interaction and then plan my mode of action.

I'm in a 4th grade classroom with an excellent student teacher. My biggest problem right now is my confidence and belief I can do this.

I find some of the teacher interactions incredibly interesting and shows people's personality. I just wanted to check in.

I'm still waiting for an IEP date for my son to change his IEP. I have noticed since adding fish oil he is following a lot of directions!!!!!! He is there and wanting to come out. If he had all the therapy he needed we could catch him up.

Stephanie Adolphson

About my Mom

To know me is know the relationship I had with my mom.

I'm a single mother and when I find out I was pregnant my mom stood by against her personal beliefs and encourage me with all her will.

She was courageous, spontaneous, emotional and a writer.

On May 2nd, the doctor advised her that she needed a blood transfusion. She went to the emergency room and was admitted. She was given a blood transfusion and her blood count went up. The doctors decided to see why she was bleeding. They gave her the choice of going home and dying or figuring out with the chance to survive. She had always beaten the odds and it was not the first time the doctor gave her a short time to live. She doubted things but knew she was ill.

So they did a colonoscopy and thought they spotted a bump that needed to be removed. It was to be a two hour surgery. She reluctantly agreed. She did not want to come home and have her grandson see her dying. She wanted chance and she fought.

She knew after the surgery she would be in ICU and probably on life support. The surgery was to take two hours. It started at about 7pm. It kept going and going and she did not come out till 9 hours later. They could not close the wound up so she would we have to endure more surgeries.

What they found: My mom was obese. In the past she had a hernia surgery were a mesh was installed to strengthen the stomach wall. This surgery was over 10 years ago. It penetrated and was entangled in the small and large intestine. It was a nightmare.

In that week she had six more hours of surgery and the wound could still not be closed. She was still on life support. I held her hand and she squeezed mine. I talked endlessly to her telling her everything. We watched soap operas -- Days of Our Lives was her favorite.

She came off life support on Mothers Day best gift I ever had -- she was still facing more surgeries and she was nervous.

One day I came in and she told me I lied to her. She over heard the doctor saying she was lucky to be alive. She feared. When you are in that situation you do not look at the big picture you look at what is to come and be survived next. She was lucky to be alive but she was fighting and she was not giving up.

The doctor told her she had to have one more surgery and they were going to close the wound. She gave up and said she wanted to die. She had no fight left in her. 23 days in the hospital. i told her I was not ready to lose her and she had to do it. Her options were leave the wound open certain death or have surgery possibility of living. She agreed.

The surgery was to be two hours and took four. The first set back was they could not close the wound and the infection was getting worse. She was back on life support. She was awake fighting slipping into a coma and kept pointing to take the life support out. This time her body was dependent on life support. She stayed awake for two days before she slipped into a coma. I went to leave and she shook her no. I was keeping awake there was fear in her eyes. Then the doctor said her kidneys were shutting down. She was not a candidate
for dialysis because she could bleed to death. She developed septic shock and DIC and her body shut down.

All the doctors agreed she had a zero chance of any meaningful life. Reluctantly she was taken off life support June 4, 2007. She became our Angel within fifteen minutes of being removed from life support.

She fought like hell. She showed me so much strength and courage those days in the hospital.
I miss her and I love her. I know she is watching and pulling for us anyway we can.

My brother and I and my son had to move in with my aunt because we could no longer afford the rent. Everything changed and I am not the person I was before June 4, 2007 but I'm learning and discovering my new life no matter how exciting or wonderful or scary it is I am learning to try new things. I am discovering who am I and really how strong I am.

Second Concert

Well, Last night I went to the WAR and OJ's Concert in Sante Fe Springs. Respite finally came through with a respite worker that I did not worry about leaving my son with. She was awesome and her name is Amy. Andy really liked her.

This was my second concert since my mom passed away June 4th. I miss her dearly. I also know I have to continue to work to improve our lives. Learning to get out there and do things with friends when you would rather be home sleeping is one of those things. Grief is a terrible thing to deal with but you have no choice but too.

It was the first time I ever stopped in Sante Fe Springs. I went with my friend from school. It was a hoot. I even knew some of the songs which was a plus! I kept thinking about Andy but I did it. I know I have to not baby him so much and we both have to grow up!

I start student teaching on Monday. Oh I am nervous not much experience but I'm looking forward to it. I will be in a fourth grade classroom. I hope I can teach the math.

I'm learning more and more each day and I'm growing personally, emotionally and spiritually.

It is raining today and I do not know what to do!

First Post: October 11, 2007

This Blog: Is my first attempt back into the world of writing.
I have always been a writer but have been away from it for awhile. When I write I feel and sometimes I do not want to. I have decided to stop straying from what I love and to follow my passion.

I've been through the wringer the last four months and I'm ready to break out.

I am a single mom with limited resources and I'm a mother of Andy the most beautiful and wonderful five year old. He is diagnosed with autism and is currently nonverbal. I have the highest of high hopes for him.

Sometimes without money -- one can not do everything they want to try to help their child. I have decided to stop focusing on what we do not have and to focus on what we have which is heart and each other. I want to learn all I can to develop the best program for my child within my resources.

People often tell me that my child needs more therapy but because their red tape to get it and I do not have the resources to fight my child has gone without. No more.

I start student teaching on Monday. I will have my special education credential in May of 2008.

That is is for now but more to follow.

Thank out for visiting my blog.

I sell on ebay search for user name indianasmemory -- the little I make there helps to get Andy therapy he desperately needs and deserve.