I believe the last five months have been a slow progress in learning to walk again. Learning to believe in oneself without feeling like your in quick sand. My mom's passing rocked my world. I feel 32 was way to young to be without her. She was my best friend and my mentor. It is hard to walk this world without her. I think time does lesson the pain a little bit but that hole is there. We would talk about everything. Now, I can't talk to her. I have my days and the last three have been rough. I miss her more when I want her advice. In a fleeting moment, I forget she's gone only to call home to a disconected number she can not answer. I have been sick the last three days and I think it is when I want her more around. It is hard to believe it has been almost five months without her.
I'm learning to make decsions and believe in myself. I stress I want to finish my promise to her and become a teacher. I know my sign is a cancer and I can be motherly, emotionally and very stubborn.
The hardest thing I am finding is learning to stand in front of a class again. This has never really been a problem until now. Maybe feeling better will help. I know I have to serenity prayer and realize that I can change some things and I can change others. I figured out. I'm angry she's gone. It is not fair. I want her here and she is not. I wanted the doctors to save her and they could not. I want her advice and I want her hugs and I want her wild italian irish spirit. I want it now. I do not think I have experienced anger I felt the denial but the anger is new. I guess it is a valley I have to walk through.
Stephanie
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